Thunder of Hooves
Gambling on the Kentucky Derby, for both fun and profit
Dear Out-On-The-Rail Rex,
The Kentucky Derby is this Saturday! Yes!!
I am quite excited.
I have scouted the horses, researched their profiles, and analyzed the field from every possible angle.
It’s time to bet big and make some scratch.
Two questions:
Do you think it’s wrong to profit from thoroughbreds being ridden around a track?
More importantly: what does Madame Zoltara have to say about predicting the winner?
Signed,
Relying On Speculative Equine Success
Dear ROSES,
Gambling money upon a horse race is your own business: I shall neither cajole nor condemn your choice.
I am not one to gamble.
Upon my own talents? Yes. Upon faith in others? All day long.
But not upon contests involving chance or fate or randomness.
And never upon the aggregate of a horse’s hindquarters at full gallop.
I’ve been horseback riding a few times, it’s an enjoyable experience.
Nominally, you are in charge. You do hold the reins.
But a horse can possess other ideas.
It might turn on a dime and bolt, or it can buck hard enough to unsettle your saddle.
Control is a vague and unspecified contract between two parties.
A contract prone to many repeated and unforeseen adjustments.
Gambling is also a system that exists outside of our control. Is that what makes it fun?
The uncertainty?
An outcome far beyond one’s understanding, or hard work, or your own wishes?
Perhaps I see the enjoyment!
With that in mind, let’s take a look at the field:
Longshots are a passion of mine, so I’ll choose a few for my trifecta:
Winner: “Wonder Dean” at 30-1.
Place: “So Happy” at 15-1.
Show: (Coming out of nowhere to shock the world) “Six Speed” at 50-1!
May the skies be clear and may the mud be non-existent. May all fair horses run steady.
I hope all of you gamblers move safely as well, remembering this one axiom: “In horse racing, the hardest thing to do is to win when you’re supposed to.” — Bill Shoemaker.
Counterpoint commentary by …
Madame Zoltara
The call of the spirit world guides me in all things, in all directions!
And yes, to be sure, in these contests of conquest or sport.
Prophesizing the results of the Kentucky Derby? As easy as predicting the winner of Tortoise versus Hare.
You just need to perceive — to truly see — the sights beyond the scope of human cognition.
It’s written in the stars, dear friends.
In the horoscopes of the jockeys who ride the race. Which I am able to interpret and parse for insight! Insight into secrets that only destiny holds.
Best of all these, the insights are freely shared to you. For only $29.99, you can receive my Official Jockey Horoscope newsletter!
Saturn is slowly ascending, while the far moon of Venus hides in shade. What does it mean?
Only Madame Zoltara knows for sure!
That is just the start, of course. To achieve maximum profit on your Daily Double without fail? You need the horoscopes for the horses as well!
My patented Horse-o-Scopes™ reveal how the cosmic balance of the universe impacts each and every thoroughbred. An example:
Incredibolt: With a birth date of April 4th, this horse exhibits a classic Aries personality, concerned with solving problems and shutting out the distractions of romance. Horses born under this sign respect traditional values while still wanting to trot on new trails. Their inner critic never lets them relax in peace. Their emotional state is usually closed off to newcomers, but offer up an apple or some oats and you’ll have a true friend for life.
You can read the Horse-o-Scopes™ of every entrant in the race for an additional $19.99 per month. No other tip line or website makes you privy to this important information. Can you afford not to know?
Madame Zoltara wishes you good luck as race day approaches.
(Disclaimer: Astrological readings do not constitute a guarantee of winning monetary gains, nor should they construe a contractual covenant into any specific pony’s emotional, intellectual or physiological state. All sales final.)
