Space Cadet Sobriquet
Unique choice of baby name puts one couple on different flight paths
Dear Rocket Rex,
The Good News: My husband and I are expecting our first child. It’s a boy!
The Bad News: He wants to give our son a ridiculous, science-fiction name.
My husband wants to name our child … Tiberius.
Tiberius!
Do you remember Captain Kirk, from the old Star Trek show? Apparently, his full name is James Tiberius Kirk. I’m not joking.
What will come next after this? Will we name our second kid ‘Mister Spock?’ Or maybe, who knows, Greepnar Fleepnar, or some dumb crap like that! It’s insane.
How can I convince him that Tiberius is a really, really bad idea?
I’m starting to regret marrying a nerd.
Signed,
Appalled Living In Egregious Nonsense
Dear ALIEN,
A new bundle of joy? You must be so happy! No doubt you are quite over the moon.
(No pun intended.)
Space is certainly not, as some claim, the final frontier. Not at all.
Marriage is!
Combining your life, your whole world, with another human? That is the ultimate challenge.
And not just “marriage,” of course. I mean living with someone. Taking that person whom you love as your partner.
It’s a wonderful and joyous experience.
An endeavor of faith and compassion and understanding.
Finding your stride moving side by side.
We all love our favorite childhood passions. They are magical totems, inspirations we carry all our lives.
Can we name our children after them?
People name their offspring for all number of reasons. After a beloved relative, after the city in which the child was conceived; after the captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise.
Only upon agreement, however! Only when both parties find the idea to their liking.
Might he be amenable to a compromise? Using Tiberius as a middle name, or maybe a ‘second’ middle name?
Or perhaps he chooses this time? And you’re guaranteed to choose next time?
There are all kinds of options, and none are inherently wrong. It’s only wrong if it’s something you just can’t abide.
Your spouse, just like the universe, is vast and dense and full of changing gravity.
You must navigate the occasional turbulence with great care and aplomb.
Counterpoint commentary by …
BOOMPLE the Clown
Kind of a weird name, huh?
Yeah, you can tell a lot by an oddball name.
That’s certainly true for clowns, oh, believe me on that.
It’s become a favorite subject of mine, if I’m bring honest. Terrible clown names.
I keep a running list in my mind.
A list of worst-named clowns I’ve ever encountered.
Here are some of the failed trainwrecks that truly defy belief:
Huggy McDoodles
Opie Spittoon
Terry Antula, the Human Spider
Pastor Tickle-Hands
Bugsy Shortz
Dingle Barry
Deathgrowler
Nipsy Pincher
Salamander Hamilton
Rare ‘N’ Burned
George Wash This Thang
Taye Bro-Ham Lincoln
John Wilkes Tooth
(After Hamilton, historical clown names were big! As evidenced by the past five examples. Alas, none proved a success.)
Big-a-Tony Rigatoni
Dapper Crawdaddy
Sticky Melvin
Smilin’ Adolf
Ira Worm
Billy-Bob Cosby
Redd Pimpel
Mason Flathead
Larry the Creeper
Rusty Baritone
Wolfgang Zucchini
Failures! All complete failures! Each and every one. I can’t help but think they were doomed right out of the gate.
It all started with their choice of names.
Are you making the same mistake with your little Tiberius? That’s debatable.
And yet it’s nothing worse than the names I’ve just shared. Call him Ty for short! Works for me.
Uncommon names are more common than ever before.
You might be surprised how it grows on you over time.
But if your husband suddenly starts trying to teach him to speak Klingon?
Then I agree that that’s where we’ll have to draw the line.
