Joke's On You
Dear Saving Private Rexan,
I hate jokes. They are almost never funny. I feel the pressure to laugh.
My uncle is an air traffic controller. His I.Q. towers mine and most other people’s. But intelligent in a very left-brain, detailed, analytical way.
He takes those same talents and applies them to comedy, with disastrous results.
By memorizing a million jokes, none funny, and spitting them out in staccato bursts of awful comedy. Punctuated each time with a giant, sh*t-eating grin.
(“Did you hear the one about the guy who drank five gallons of tea? He drowned in his own teepee!”)
Every holiday as long as I can remember, I just plaster on a rictus grim and keep trying to squirm out of any room we’re both in.
I’m now 37 years old and I’m ready for it to stop.
Please tell me I’m not the only joke hater.
Signed,
Suffering In Groaner Hell
Dear SIGH,
What is the minimum level of entrance to attempt something?
Must one be good at it? Must we succeed to the high heavens?
Or is it enough that we strive, that we make a sincere effort. Regardless our own talents. Regardless of our inadequacies and even lack of competencies.
Would you spurn the spring bluebird whose song is not in tune?
Isn’t enough that it opened its mouth and called out to the morning breeze?
I suspect there is something else at play in this scenario. Family dynamics! That is where we shall look further.
If you were to encounter a similar fellow at work, or in your leisure time? I bet you’d might him odd, but generally acceptable.
You are trapped in a family cycle. You need to reset the relationship. Remind him that you’re an adult, an equal.
Learn and tell as many corny jokes as humanly possible! Stuff your brain with one-liners and punchlines, make a cheat sheet if you must.
I dare say, he might be pleasantly surprised. You never know, you might even connect a little more. You might connect a little better.
Did you ever hear the one about the guy who stole the toilet seat from the police station?
The cops have nothing to go on.
You see! It’s not that difficult.
And the best part, you can make any face afterwards that you choose.
Counterpoint commentary by …
BOOMPLE the Clown
I feel your pain, friend.
Oh, believe me. I do.
In my business, we have a saying: “Everybody’s a comedian.”
On one hand, I give the guy credit. He’s trying to make people laugh. Trying to spread joy.
The problem is that he sucks horrifically. Absolutely has no business attempting it. He’s terrible! And he must be stopped.
He must be stopped by any means necessary.
If you’re a plumber? You get certified. Cop? You need a badge. Lawyer? Juris Doctorate.
But to claim you’re funny? No degree required. No defined proof of skills needed.
Everyone (and I mean everyone) thinks they’re working with a full deck of comedy cards.
I do have a degree, by the way. I didn’t just walk in off the street!
I’m a proud graduate of the Cole Bennerman College of Clowning Arts.
And Cole Bennerman, he viewed the world beyond humor. Shared a lot of thoughts about creating beauty. Embracing life. Taught us to always share our gifts openly.
He’d also issue warnings. Get all serious. Told us to beware imposters. To guard against phonies and frauds.
Pinchers, he’d call them. “Watch out for pinchers.” And he loved this one Shakespeare quote: “Beauty provoketh thieves sooner than gold.”
So yeah, you’re asking me about this pincher uncle of yours?
Let’s just say I think he’s on my bad side.
Here’s what you do: next time he cracks a joke, yell out a big “Hey-O!” Do it every single time after. Make the “Hey-O’s” longer and louder as the evening goes on.
Annoy him until it comes to fisticuffs!
Or at least harsh words are spoken.
To be honest, I’m not sure if this will help much at all.
But if he’s trying to taketh a beauty that’s not his? Let’s provoketh him clean out the door.
