Hula Funeral
Dear Rex Begonia,
My grandfather is near death. He will soon be taken off life support. A sad moment, but the time has come.
The problem is his funeral request.
He wants Hula girls in grass skirts dancing at the final services.
Some context:
We are not Hawaiian.
He’s never been to Hawaii (or outside of Iowa for that matter).
His wife of 53 years will be trying to mourn him amid the hip-shaking.
I am the eldest adult grandchild. I’ve been tasked with honoring this last wish.
It seems ridiculous! I resist it with every fiber of my being.
Can I say no?
Signed,
Chap Requests Iconic Native Gyrating Extravaganza
Dear CRINGE,
The writer Mark Twain worked as a reporter in the Hawaiian Islands in 1866.
After seeing a dance of the “Hula Hula” (as he called it), he wrote:
“It was performed by a circle of girls with no raiment on them to speak of, who went through an infinite variety of motions and figures without prompting, and yet so true was their “time,” and in such perfect concert did they move that when they were placed in a straight line, hands, arms, bodies, limbs and heads waved, swayed, gesticulated, bowed, stooped, whirled, squirmed, twisted and undulated as if they were part and parcel of a single individual; and it was difficult to believe they were not moved in a body by some exquisite piece of mechanism.”
Provocative, to say the least!
In the circus, provocative is part of our stock and trade. At funerals, the trend leans more toward solemnity.
I wonder just what this request intends to provoke.
Is it prurient and salacious attempt at humor?
If so, it is without merit, and not worthy of being honored.
But you mentioned his lack of travel. Living exclusively in Iowa.
Maybe this Hula wish is way to honor frontiers unexplored. The path not taken?
With this in mind, you could consider a compromise.
After the main service, will there be a wake or reception? Hire some dancers. Have them put on a little show. In a way that works for everyone.
Funerals are not just about the dead. They are about the living.
It’s a time to process grief. Mourn our loss. Saying goodbye, free from chaos or cringe
Do whatever brings the most peace to you and your family.
If your Grandpa was at all a decent man, then I believe he would want it to be that way.
Counterpoint commentary by …
Lindi Dee DuVerne, Fire Breather
You ever see that movie about the big boat that sinks?
On account of it hittin’ a sunken ice block?
True story, really happened! Real as a raccoon in a butcher’s trash bin.
It was a pretty titanic event in the news.
Anyway, the movie had this epic love story. These two young lovers, kissin’ and what-not, settin’ off on a perfect romance.
The guy was so handsome, he was sweeter than a sugar lump in a cup of hot tea.
She was a spunky lass, just a young gal lookin’ for adventure.
The two of them sparked like a bug zapper at a mosquito family reunion.
Sure seemed like it was the real deal.
Like maybe they’d be together forever.
But sometimes things … they don’t work out like you think they’re gonna do.
I could say the same about these dancers at your Pappy’s funeral.
Let me break it down for you now, you ready?
The funeral, you see, that’s like the big ol’ ocean liner.
And those hula girlies, well, they’re a sunken ice block.
KA-BLAMM! Disaster’s gonna strike.
Cuz any man oglin’ them dancers in their island get-ups. At a funeral?
He better be wearin’ a pair of titanium tighty-whiteys, if you catch my drift.
Lotsa annoyed wives and girlfriends in that parlor.
Bad feelings runnin’ amok every which way.
You go getcha one of them dashboard hula dolls. The wobblin’ kind. Stick it on top of his casket or urn and be done with it. Hold your head high.
Pappy had his chance to observe ’em in person.
Guessin’ he drifted off course and lost sight of what he was supposed to see.
