Elf Noir
Dear Parks and Rex,
I have pointy ears. Everyone in my family, on my mother’s side, possesses this trait.
People at my office have begun giving me nicknames. Elf-related.
Things like “Elvish Presley” and “Elvin and the Chipmunks” and “Nightmare on Elf Street.”
It’s starting to get ridiculous.
I have a lot of friends at work. This is no doubt harmless fun.
But it’s just not how I see myself.
I try to project a hard-boiled-detective type of cool. Stubbly beard and mystery and a world-weary pose.
Being called “Keebler” is starting to impact my self-image.
How can I get the jokes to stop without seeming humorless or uptight?
Signed,
Lamenting Our Bad Ear Shape
Dear LOBES,
I live in a world that celebrates differences. No one here would bat an eye or turn up their nose at a pair of angular ears.
Office life appears to be a different beast.
With that in mind, here are some remedies you might pursue:
Send an email to everyone at work. Say that you like the elf jokes, but you’re ready for a break. You could even fib and say it’s to prevent a culture of name-calling.
If that seems too formal, try back channels. Tell a few confidantes that you’d like the moniker to stop. Have them spread the word. People will comply.
There is another step you might take, one a bit more radical.
Buy yourself the most stylish fedora you can find. Wear it proudly ever day! Not to cover your ears, of course. But to exhibit the hard-boiled cool trapped in your soul.
Put it on display for all to see.
People won’t know who you want to be unless you show them.
Making a bold statement will present your co-workers with an obvious, unmistakable clue.
Counterpoint commentary by …
Lindi Dee DuVerne, Fire Breather
People are talkin’ about your ear shape, but they’re “good-natured” about it?
Yeah, that’s about as useful to me as a glass hammer.
You know what I’m sayin’? It’s like that time my momma tripped shoppin’ at the shoe store.
Fell down and hit her head on one of them metal contraptions they use to measure your feet. Chipped a tooth!
Dentist fixed right away, of course. But somethin’ had changed. She stopped struttin’ proud. Happened real quick, too. Just as speedy as a hiccup after two beers.
Took a long while to get her moxie goin’ again. Even though she looked exactly the same with the chip fixed. Just threw her off her game a bit.
That’s what I think is happenin’ to you.
Best thing now is to stop that elf stuff in any way possible.
Don’t let this chip in your soul become a valley stretchin’ wide.
Momma got a lawyer and she sued Alderbrun Shoe Emporium. Came away with a fat bushel of cabbage.
Not sayin’ you should go to court, of course. But you get the point?
Don’t keep dancing around the subject. The moment’s finally come to go ahead and put your foot down.
