Effective Sales Pitch
Dear Rex Rex Wine,
Have you ever seen those insurance commercials with Limu Emu & Doug? The Liberty Mutual ones?
Here’s what I don’t understand about them.
You know that guy Jake, the one in the red shirt? The one from State Farm. Comes across as a good dude, right? Like he really seems to like people.
Then there’s Flo, from Progressive. She never annoys me! I’m always curious to see what Flo is up to.
The all-time king? That’s the Gecko, for sure. His voice actor is just perfect! I even have a Christmas ornament of that character, I like him so much.
Which leads us back to Limu Emu & Doug. Not at all charming. Not watchable. I groan whenever the ads start to play.
Is that the point? Like, they’re making them to NOT be enjoyable? As a way of standing out? Differentiating their brand by being lame? Just terrible. The AFLAC duck laughs at the quality.
I’ve never seen something so inoffensively boring and yet oft putting.
Signed,
Calmly Relating Input Toward Insurance Commercials
Dear CRITIC,
Forgive my uncertainty, but are you soliciting my creative opinions about TV ads?
I accept the challenge!
However, as the circus is my passion and purview, we will need to change our focus.
We shall advance to discussing a different product.
A product that once embraced a circus theme!
Allow me to introduce Sugar Rice Krinkles: “The greatest cereal treat on Earth.”
The brand made its debut in 1950, named just Sugar Krinkles at first. They added Rice to the name not long after.
Clearly excited about their new cereal, the execs soon ordered a television commercial. The creatives brainstormed! Who better to make the sales pitch than a live-action, flesh-and-blood Krinkles the Clown?
The answer to that question: literally anyone other than this fellow.
Behold:
As you can see, it begins with a weathervane atop a barn, rooster crowing, on a peaceful morning.
Until a godzilla-sized clown attacks the city! Crashing through the entire scene! Roaring out “I’M HUNGRY!!”
At this point, rename the cereal Sugar Rice Childhood Trauma, because that’s where we’re headed for the next 60 seconds.
At one point, he starts blinking a lot, and it doesn’t really feel that good? In the middle part. It’s almost as if he’s trying to mesmerize his young fans?
Let us hope not!
For my money, perhaps the most absurd (i.e. awesome) part is at the end.
This might be the best call-to-action statement ever spoken: “Crinkle on down to the store for Post Sugar Rice Krispies!”
I realize that the word crinkle is a verb. But I’ve never heard it used to express independent human locomotion. Excelsior!
Alas, this version of Krinkles the Clown did not make it to the sequel. A new clown took on the role, one terrifying in his own way. This time, the producers did not let him speak, having an announcer do the talking.
Also: this new Krinkles eats the cereal by use of chopsticks! Because it is made of rice.
This would be a harbinger of things to come.
At this point in the story, the decision was made to abandon the clown mascot altogether. The time had come for change.
At first, it seemed like a good idea.
OUT: Circus-themed clown folderol.
IN: Rice, rice, and more rice.
Meet our new mascot: So-Hi! A teeny-tiny Asian character who stands only “so high.”
Flaunting traditional garb and an incredible accent.
Also: the cereal now comes with a free rickshaw! A rickshaw racer, to be precise. Race your brother or sister.
So-Hi remained as the company mascot throughout the 60’s. The cereal was discontinued in 1969.
Sugar Rice Crinkles was replaced by Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Pebbles, two cereals still in production today.
Crinkles the Clown was never seen again, except maybe in dreams.
(Also: possibly that area of Rt. 41 through the mountains known as “the drifter’s graveyard.”)
Here is a print ad from the New York Daily News, circa 1953.
I’m not sure Jack and Snack would have done any better.
Counterpoint commentary by …
Wyatt Aussome & His Aussome Hogs
The big news around here was that we got our first big corporate sponsorship!
Me’n the hogs, that is. Got our own deal, outside of the Zaboni Brothers Circus. I cleared it with legal first, of course.
I wanted to do things right, all proper’n all. It was a big opportunity.
Dean’s Discount Auto Sales! The biggest car dealer in six counties. Dean had hired Wyatt Aussome and the Aussome Hogs to be official representatives. The plan was we’d be in all of their commercials, plus make occasional appearances at the sales lot.
It was all systems go, then the marketing team shared the slogan:
“Come on down to Dean’s! Our prices are so good they’ll make you squeal.”
I quickly expressed my opinion on the matter. I didn’t want to be negative, but it felt wrong somehow. Not the image we wanted to project.
Then Dean told me about the extra promotion they were doing. Every customer who financed their purchase through the dealership? As a bonus, they’ll receive a free copy of the movie Deliverance.
There were some hard words said after that, right in those moments, I’m not gonna lie. There may have even been a scuffle if you wanna call it that.
Long story short, we’re not in business with any discount car lots anymore.
Better for all parties, if you ask me.
On a side note, my former business manager and I have recently parted ways.
Wyatt Aussome & His Aussome Hogs are now seeking new professional managerial representation.
