Condiment Connection
"I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want"
Dear Rustic Rex,
I only have one thing to say to you, and one thing alone:
I LOVE NUTMEG!!!
Nutmeg is the greatest substance on Earth. It is my passion; it is my true calling.
And I have lots of ideas on how to spread the word.
I recently reached out to the National Nutmeg Council. Still haven’t heard back! Of course, they’re national. That’s the big leagues. I’m sure they are crazy busy.
But if they had the time. And were here right now? I know just what they’d say.
They’d say that nutmeg is a powerful source of antioxidants, and rich in vitamins and fiber!
They’d say some studies (MANY studies, really) suggest that nutmeg improves mood and helps with better sleep.
They’d say nutmeg is key part our favorite treats, from pumpkin pies and gingerbread to egg nog and mulled cider.
Then they’d ask if I had anything to add. And I’d say … nutmeg goes great with yams and sweet potatoes. Sprinkle some on your oatmeal! Add a dash to your hot chocolate and it will straight up blow your mind.
It’s even good on meat! Put it on steaks and chops and burgers. I tell all my friends and family. And everybody I talk to at busy street corners.
Nutmeg. Isn’t it wonderful?
I’ve been making plans to enhance its profile in the public eye.
Here’s one I pitched to the Nutmeg Co-op Partners. I said hey! There was a British band, made up of all women? They were known as the Spice Girls. That name? Too vague! They should focus on a single spice. We re-brand their whole show and boom, now they’re called the Nutmeg Girls.
It’s genius, but the Co-op Partners, they think small. That’s why I need the National Council. Best of the best.
Until then? I’m all on my own. A modern-day Johnny Appleseed, traveling the land and telling my tales.
Think of this! Sauté a grouper in some virgin nutmeg oil some time. Oh yeah. That fish’ll be doing backflips on your tongue.
In the meantime, I’ll keep you in the loop if I ever hear back from the Council.
And if I don’t?
No problem.
There’s always the International Nutmeg Guild’s Worldwide Advisory Bureau.
Signed,
Never Underestimate The Magic, Eat Graciously
Dear NUTMEG,
I do believe you possess a true passion.
In fact, I’d say that I’m fairly convinced.
When does passion, however, turn into obsession? And are there healthy obsessions, or does that word lend itself to only negative outcomes?
These are the questions with which we must grapple.
Strong passions? Many people do have them, myself included. And those souls who chase their dreams? Do they not become obsessed — single-minded, driven — to accomplish their goals?
Our society celebrates this! As a strong work ethic, as dedication, and as even, dare I say, potential genius.
They all share this one trait: Each dream is highly specific, and quite unique from person to person.
Should nutmeg be any different? Is it really any weirder? A bit niche, perhaps. But objectively, I can’t say it’s better or worse than anything else.
The thing about it, if you think about it? Not all obsessions come from pursuing goals.
There are other reasons. Including unhealthy reasons.
Sometimes people suffer from extreme stress, from emotional burnout, and seek an escape from their normal lives.
Others are just looking for a sense of control. Hoping to steady and manipulate their situation until it stabilizes.
Still others are on a quest for meaning. Figuring that a full immersion in the obsession will give them a new sense of purpose.
Have any of these ideas ever dawned on you? These reasons. Can you relate?
Underlying motives can be tricky to assess on your own. Talking to a counselor can help. I’d urge you to identify the impulses for your flavorful fixation.
The trick, perhaps, is figuring out “the line.” That point of going too far. Heading toward unhealthiness.
You discuss nutmeg with strangers waiting at crosswalks? That seems like quite a red flag. Normally I wouldn’t be so judge-y, but listen: you did write to an advice column.
Although I must admit, I admire the effort you’ve invested in your pursuit. Truly. There are worse things in life than the eagerness of our aspirations.
Regarding the National Council? I would not worry! You have already sent a message to the world.
Rest assured, I will now be sprinkling some nutmeg each morning atop my oatmeal.
Counterpoint commentary by …
Marzonk! the Strong-Man
What is this? Some sick joke?
A cruel prank, yes.
A prank played upon a simple weightlifter.
Whose eyes are splashing salty tears against his ashen, unbelieving cheeks.
Marzonk! is allergic to nutmeg!
That substance most sinister. That cruel zest which nearly stole Marzonk!’s life.
It is a sworn enemy!
No hate exists like the nutmeg-hate beating in Marzonk!’s heart.
For I remember the moment … like it was yesterday.
Growing up, we ate many beets. So, so many beets. Times were tough. We tried every way to cover the flavor.
Until one fateful day. When we came across the scourge known as nutmeg. Seasoned our beets carelessly, and guess what? Marzonk! almost died that day!!
Left gasping and retching from the effects of that foul brown dust.
If Marzonk! could do so?
He would CRUSH those trees with their awful seeds!
He would PULVERIZE those forests of evil incarnate!
In every city, Marzonk! visits at least one diner or coffee shop. And as I pay, I tell them: never, ever use nutmeg. Never! It is a poison upon the land.
Now today I get this email. About the very contagion that nearly broke me.
Dark are the moments that try the soul; the never-ending menace of a cleverish, devilish garnish.
But fear not, gentle readers.
Marzonk! will OBLITERATE all attempts to promote this unholy elixir.
Thus I now proclaim; thus I pledge and do faithfully swear.
This never-ending crusade shall never cease.
Not until every grain of nutmeg burns deep in a fiery volcano, and floats past as smoldering ash in the blazing, bubbling lava.
PS — Just one extra thing. If you don’t mind? My wife (Mrs. Marzonk!) is actually a huge fan of the Spice Girls, like the biggest. Once you get the band back together? Please send an email out to the fan club. You must ALERT the followers! They will be thrilled no matter what the name. Thank you, in advance, on behalf of Mrs. Marzonk!.
