Ashes of Dad
Dear Waiting to Rexhale,
My father passed away recently, at 84. It’s hitting us all pretty hard.
My Mom keeps Dad’s ashes in an urn in the living room. My sister and I have both expressed a desire for some of his remains.
Mom steadfastly refuses to share any of them. She says “it wouldn’t be right,” as they’d been married for 52 years.
His ashes will be interred at a ceremony later this summer. They won’t be in that living room forever, so what does it matter?
I’m very disappointed she won’t let her two daughters have a little bit of their father while mourning.
What should I do?
Signed,
Bottled Up Remains, No Tenderness
Dear BURNT,
A season of sorrow and loss is upon you. My condolences! I can only imagine your heartbreak.
It is not a contest of suffering, of course. You are all hurting. But your mom has lost her companion of more than 50 years.
She might also be struggling with the awareness that her time, sadly, is not long. Life’s approaching finality is staring her straight in the face.
Occasionally, one of our competing travelling circuses will face a sudden tragedy. Unsurprising, I suppose: we are all in the daredevil business.
The casualty is not only saddening, but a reminder. That stunts and flips and death-defying feats do not possess a 100% success rate.
It can happen to anyone. Even ringmasters! A spotlight rigging broke free from its truss at the O’Key Circus a few years back. Still too difficult to discuss.
No is completely safe. How do we handle that knowledge?
How do we honor those who have left us?
In your case, I propose a compromise.
It seems unlikely your mom can give you and your sister what you most desire.
Perhaps you could request an item of clothing? Like one of his favorite shirts, or a specific necktie, or a trusty wristwatch.
Maybe you just want something to hold onto, something that makes you still feel a connection.
Please be understanding of your mother’s feelings, if you can.
Your family still has each other to grasp and hug!
That is more important, to my eye, than any possessions or items or ashes.
Counterpoint commentary by …
BOOMPLE the Clown
What do exotic pole dancers and clowns have in common?
Scratch beneath the surface, you’ll find the same resemblance.
Daddy Issues.
Think I’m joking?
We both wear too much makeup, we both wear elaborate footwear, and when we hear the music — our inner freak comes out to play.
I should know. A strained relationship with an Air Force Colonel father is enough to push anyone to seek the limelight.
Moving regularly from base to base. Asking for shorter and shorter crew cuts, all to please the one person whose attention you want the most.
And still not getting it.
That’s just an example, of course. Not tied to any specific performer.
But it’s no wonder that clowns — and pole dancers — are willing to drop their pants to gain a hungry crowd’s notice.
At my Dad’s funeral, I tried to do some of my routine. Show him all I’d achieved.
Uncle Austin and Uncle Clark rushed me before I’d finished my tribute. Dragged me from the pulpit.
I sprayed seltzer in both of their faces. No regrets! They were both bad fathers. Distant and self-centered.
No different from their brother.
Their brother … a man who never saw the talent right before his eyes.
These days? I keep that promise I made to myself.
To keep on getting dressed up and showing off my (comedy) assets, bringing delight to every satisfied stranger! Just like my compatriots working the pole.
We shake our money-makers, oh yes!
Because we cannot shake the holes in our hearts.
Bringing this back to your story — you have a father who is now dead. But you liked him, huh?
Then what are you really grousing about? A bunch of ashes?
Crispy corpse bits that truly equate to nothing.
Until the day comes when you’re called to the main stage, seeking affirmation and money and love?
Until then, you’ve got no business complaining about anything ever at all.
